Author promotion and orgies…

Posted: May 18, 2014 in Publishing

meI don’t want to see your lunch. I think I am not alone in saying this, but your shitty low quality picture of food holds no interest to me. Oh but you do have to laugh at those people not on social media, don’t they just look so silly making no effort to gain the approval of total strangers over the Internet… As an author you are expected, or at least it is suggested that you promote using social media, but it is full! There are many outlets and all of them are full. Facebook, google+, Linkedin, Goodreads all have millions of people promoting the shit out of their work, all saying the same stuff. A thousand voices saying ‘read my shit’. So now folk try to hijack other peoples threads by tenuously weaving in their promotion; ‘Yeah, it is awful losing your young husband to prostate cancer, I’m so sad for you… though I do know how you feel though… kinda… in my book ‘The Realm of Thwargone’ the husband of Princess Gweenaaaah is killed by Borlock the dark elf.” Goodreads has posts like ‘Brag about your book’ and the resulting thread is literally thousands long with descriptions and links for peoples work that nobody reads. Sure if you are the first to post maybe you earn a casual glance, but if your entry is mere seconds later it will be on page 164… you might as well write your details on a piece of paper and go for a walk, then insert it in the ass of the first cat you see (you might need gloves). At least you know someone will go ‘Honey there is something wrong with mittens! Oh my GOD, there is something in her ass… it, I don’t believe it… it is a note! Well, while disgusting I have discovered a new novel and a new author, thank you mittens for your literary suggestion.’ It is like standing in front of a mirror and asking your reflection to buy your book. So many when promoting their work have become like Amazon, and I don’t like it when Amazon does it, but the bombard you. Post something about ‘What a beautiful day’ and get someone reply ‘Yeah, it is, however a vampire would never see the sun, just like in my YA vampire erotic novel ‘Fifty Shades of Twilight’. Can you imagine being in the supermarket looking at pasta for instance and a member of staff comes up with an stainless steel pot ‘Hi – this copper bottomed pot is fantastic for cooking pasta!’ Then another comes up with a jar of sauce, and if like Amazon another would come up flaunting something irrelevant ‘Buying pasta? Try this sleeping bag!’ You’d tell them to fuck off. So why do people think it is okay to bomb people on the internet? I think the one I hate most is when you have an email ‘Be my friend on Goodreads’ and I think WOW this dude likes me, likes what I read, likes what I say. Okay my soon to be buddy I will friend you. Seconds later and about every day after get bombarded with ‘Legend of Gwanderfwaar’ the brilliant (you can’t call it brilliant yourself you fucking shit-stain) is now available for only $1.

People on the internet are sold to death, it’s done, there are too many people doing it. It reminds me of an orgy I went to once. I’m not saying a had a pubic hair problem, but when I got an erection it looked like Pinocchio had joined the Taliban. So I shaved and having Italian DNA, I’m a hairy dude. When I shaved my junk it looked like a fire had broke out – hairy belly, hairy legs and nothing between. So I shaved everything. What do you get when you shave? Shaving rash. I had it from neck to foot, so I looked like I had rampant and raging herpes. Turning up to that orgy and being ignored is exactly how it feels promoting work on the internet.

So is the internet pointless? No.

It seems obvious to me but the clue is in the name, social media, not promotion media. Seems some (many) still fail to engage. I have met some amazing and I think of as genuine friends who write an often with an ocean between us on the internet. There is a difference between whoring and sharing your work. Some of the best stuff I’ve read has been via my now expanded circle of writer friends; one is now one of my favorites writers. I help by recommending their work as they do mine, but for me it is a place where I can network and find stuff I want to read from dudes I want to hang with. There are local pages on facebook that I’ve found great to ask for reader and reviewers where being local is the only reason they are interested. The internet has shown me local reader groups to visit and perform readings at and local book shops or writers groups where the biggest reward has come from actually being there and engaging people. Promotion still takes effort, just posting links isn’t now or ever has been enough, unless your goal is to piss people off.

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