I’ve been researching serial killers lately with a view to a future novel, when purely by accident I happened across a first edition copy of Trainspotting signed by Irvine Welsh. I don’t treat myself very often and at £30 it is a lot of money but I love the book and the author, and so I thought I would treat myself and ordered it. Did I get it? Nooo, that would be too easy. What I did get was so utterly stupid and pointless and the rage that followed was biblical. I hate stupid, nothing boils my piss more than that real stupid that is so utterly pointless that you can find not a shred of logic to it. I’ve got a new novella out and it is a grown ups piece, I’m trying to convince people I’m not an angry asshole that is clinically retarded, so I’m trying to not rant for a while, but you know, it’s fucking hard! What I got through the post instead of the book was a clear plastic envelope and on it read: “Our sincere apologies. We are sorry your item reached you in this condition. If anything is missing you can report it.” Inside the envelope, was another plastic envelope that had clearly been torn open and the contents missing, presumably stolen. If anything is missing? Of course it’s fucking missing, why the fuck would I go online and buy an torn open envelope? Even some one as stupid as me, and trust me I am stupid, I once went to an all you can eat buffet and the waiter said it was £5 a ticket so I bought two tickets because I was hungry, even I can work out that something was missing. What the fuck is the point of sending on just the envelope that the item should have been in, inside another envelope? What the fuck am I supposed to do with just the envelope? Sniff it to see how the book would have smelled? Or did they actually think I bought a torn open envelope? Maybe they were simply trying to say “Well… we almost got it to you.” Maybe they just wanted to let me know how it would have looked had they delivered it. What is the point of positing on what the couldn’t post as evidence that they didn’t post it? The irony that the post office’s efforts to post what they couldn’t post getting to me fine isn’t lost. I’m so pleased that this service has been privatised so you can now have the luxury of paying more to ensure you don’t get stuff. Oh and the debt is still ours, any British people reading this, the privatisation of the post office was another con by a government of sneaky con artists. The privatisation means that they have sold the bits that were doing well and sold the buildings yet the debt wasn’t paid off, no, we are paying for that shit still. They privatised the post office but nationalised the debts!
I do think I reached a new level of stupid because the envelope containing an empty envelope had to be signed for. That’s right, it had to be signed for, the post office wanted to ensure I got what I didn’t get… they should have made that much fucking effort to ensure I got my book! Why send the envelope? WHY? It makes no fucking sense. Y’know when people are found dead, they had a brain aneurysm and just dropped down dead, I think it is because they were faced with such utter stupidity that they thought and thought about it, searching for some logic, thinking so much that their brain implodes. The only way I can reconcile the stupid is that part of the privatisation, they sacked all the sorting staff and replaced them with the monkeys form the Wizard of Oz, nasty hairy fucks in hats that are just ripping up shit, and they were put there by UPS to make you go ‘Fuck this shit, I’m never using the post office again!”