The Evil scurge of the warm…

Posted: August 26, 2013 in Publishing

jonnySo, here in England, we are having a heat wave that is lasting for pretty much the whole summer. It is beautiful, you can go outside and actually move your fingers and toes. However all is not good in this fair land. It turns out, over 760 people have died because of the ongoing warm. WARM, not hot, but warm. How can you die of warm? Who doesn’t know how to get in the shade and open a window? I know a lot of these are the elderly, but to be fair, have you ever had an argument with an old person? The first thing they say is, 

“Yeah, well when you’ve been alive as long as I have you can say somthin sunny Jim, until then you shut your mouth!” All that wisdom they can’t open a window? Who doesn’t know how to waft a magazine in front of their face? I’m not trying to decry the tragedy of the deaths, but the news is reporting with glee ‘England is as hot as Greece’ – a pleasant holiday destination, not fucking death valley! Greece isn’t ‘dignitase’, we don’t go there to die.

It has been 32.2C (90F) and we cannot cope…
In Syria, refugees are walking twelve miles in 123F degree heat, to return with five litres of water on their head for their family. However here in England we can walk ten feet to a tap and turn it on! Fill the bath with cold water and get a supermarket to deliver some beer and bags of ice! And we are still dying of warm?
It is I think, a bit like when you read about people who die by getting hit by a train. How? Trains don’t exactly sneak up on you? And, if there is anything that is easy to avoid, it is a train! There is a track – just step to the left or right.

Where’s Jerry?”
“Oh, you didn’t hear? He got struck my a train!”
“Jezz, that crazy bastard!”

Better than:
“Where’s Jerry?”
“Uh, the warm killed him.”
Wha… warm? He couldn’t open a window?”
“The warm murdered him… warm singled him out”

I do though still wonder how some get killed by bees. Who are these people who when walking past a bush and it is buzzing, and goes “Is that bees? Are there bees in thee? I’m gonna beat it with a stick and find out!” THWACK “Argh – bees!”

Still bees is better than warm. Warm is like the guy who got killed by a beaver? How can you hear that and not laugh? Imagine at the wake and trying to not laugh?
I guarantee in a few months there will be non-stop rain, and subsequently floods. The people who complain about the warm will be the same ones who get caught out in the floods. These are the same people you see on TV being warned about the floods and say “You know what, I’m gonna front it out. It’s Gods will”. Days later you will see them on TV shovelling feet of silty mud out of their living room, saying,
Why has God done this to us? I don’t understand why… it happens every year!”
Because you live next to a fucking river, idiot! If you house is on a flood plain, there is a clue in the name!

Sadly, people will drown in these floods, when they could simply go upstairs. Our floods are not like the huge floods of Australia or Pakistan, we are talking a street. Much as we have warm, not heat, I think our floods should be called ‘damp’.
It does make me wonder, how exactly did England have the empire that it had? Once we fucked over and occupied India, Africa, America and the Middle East, all way hotter then grey dull England. How did we just not just die from the scurge of warm like the tripod thingys in War of the Worlds? I know this post is a bit morbid, but when yo consider 60,000,000 people die every year from starvation. We are lucky enough to get food and stuff it with food, put food on top of it and bake it, yet starvation isn’t a result of not being able to open a cupboard and make a sandwich. We can though, open a window, buy a fan, go to a swimming pool, go to an air conditioned building such as a library. But with all our modern convenience, we are dying of warm. In a few months we will be dying from ‘chilly’…

  1. Lisa Roy says:

    I love your rants, they never fail to make me smile

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