Literary bailout… an idea…

Posted: June 15, 2013 in Publishing

mePeople think that because I am an author I am loaded. I blame Dan Brown and E.L. James for making millions. Actually, much is my fault for extending the myth that I am loaded because whenever people ring my house, foreign sounding people answer the phone and they think I’ve got staff. It is a skill you quickly develop as a writer, being a good impressionist on the phone, your fist line of defence against debt collectors is to pretend you don’t live there, “Herro? Who? No Mr. Ribbing here, he rive here no maw.”

I write, as many do, out of passion. Lets face it, books are not as popular as they once were, books now have to compete with ‘Candy Crush’ on a smartphone. Bookish people like me don’t get it. I love books. The world of publishing is an odd one, and the industry doesn’t get the decline in demand. I do though. Have you ever given a book as a present to someone who doesn’t read? A book is work!

What’s this?”

A book.”

A book? Is this my present or an assignment? I’m supposed to read? You couldn’t wait till it came out as a film and bought me a DVD? For Christmas you bought me work? Thanks… your present is you can mow my fucking lawn!”

If you want to get someone a present you can guarantee they will enjoy, give them a sheet of bubble wrap!
I’m the same, if I get a long email, I don’t read it. If I get a long email, regardless of the importance I find myself saying “Urgh, what is this… homework?” I read the top bit and the bottom bit and then reply. And probably why I am in the mess I am in now.

This is why I am so quick to defend the likes of Dan Brown. People buy his books in the millions. People say he is a shitty writer, they same the same of E.L. James, people are embarrassed to read Fifty Shades, but you can tell they do. You see them waiting for trains, wearing a hockey mask as a disguise reading it, “Don’t tell my wife I’m reading this!” A book some say has exploded the myth that women have sexually deviant fantasies. Myth? No. well not to me. The number one selling sexual aid is a vibrator called a ‘Rabbit’… if women want to stuff rodents inside themselves, there can be no myth. Who knew women found wildlife so horny. I digress.
I don’t know why reading is suffering a decline. I’m an idiot, things that are popular often make no sense to me, it angers me. Chewing gum for example. How the fuck did that take off? Can you imagine pitching the idea to the bank?
“So Mr. Wrigley, you eat these little strips?”

No. No, you don’t eat them, you chew them.”

“Isn’t that what eating is Mr. Wrigley?”

“You don’t swallow it, you… you just chew it?”


“No, you chew it. Then spit it out. It’s like eating, but practice. Eating practice is what it is!”

Publishing does bring much of the stupidity on itself. It wants to be highbrow and intellectual, then publishes Jourdan’s books. Jourdan has to be the only author who has published more books than she has read! Times for authors are hard, which is why I am calling for a bailout for authors. Royal Bank of Scotland. Once the biggest bank in the world, a year later needing a 20 billion pound bailout. So when you factor, the bank had a net worth of 12 billion, but needed a 20 billion bailout… even I can work out that is eight billion too much! But that is a sum of 32 billion pounds gone. Any business that cannot explain where 32 billion pounds went missing in one sentence should be looted and destroyed.

And the investors? RBS are asking investors to raise another 10billion. What level of self loathing and utter stupidity must the investors have to invest further in a bank who loses money like a drunk tramp on a cattle grid? To banks, borrow doesn’t mean borrow. When we borrow from them, we are expected to pay it back. When banks borrow form us, they call it a ‘bailout’ it’s like when you lend someone a favourite book, you will never see it again.
I’m going into the bank and taking out a loan for £30,000 and when they ask for it back I will explain, Oh, that was an authors bailout. I am going to use bailout for everything. I figure that with the assumption that authors are respected and the use of the term ‘bailout’ I can get some free shit. I’m off to the pub to see if I can secure free booze, a ‘creative bailout’.


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