Vegan…

Posted: January 19, 2013 in Publishing

JonnyGibbingsThe other day, I got introduced to people, as a Vegan. This bothered me. I am a vegan, but it was the being introduced as a vegan bit that pissed me off. It was at a fancy eatery in London called Groucho. If you don’t know Groucho, it is an exclusive private members club where celebrities hang out. The kind of place I said I would never go, only while assuming I would never get to go. Most think I would never want to because I am anti celebrity bullshit and a a bit anti capitalist. The truth being, I just don’t want to make an asshole of myself in front of people who can make your career. Posh places do that twee shit that they think is cute, and it just makes me look an idiot and pisses me off.
For example, I was taken to another posh restaurant a while back, when we first signed on the film deal of my book. I had been drinking coffee all day because of nervous excitement. A film deal would mean money, so soon my kids will get more than just a bowl of steam for dinner. The Place was called The Quill’, due to it once being frequented by great writers. However, I didn’t listen to one word in the meeting because the whole duration I needed to take a shit. I did try to use the toilet, but on the doors were pictures of swans, one for male, one for female. One called Cob, the other called Pen. I don’t fucking know what a male and female swans are called! I spent about an hour bent over holding my ass, scrutinising the pictures of the swans trying to spot a difference, like tits on one, or penis on the other. Nothing. And they complained when I drew a big fat cock below the ‘Cob’ to help any future hillbillies like me know which was which. A woman at my meeting had so much surgery, I guessed she went to school with Jesus, but was trying to look nineteen. She looked like Mick Jagger after losing a bar fight. Her face made frightened me enough to halt any need for toilet activities.

What bothered me, was how I was introduced, as a vegan. “Hi, this is Jonny… he’s a vegan.” Tagging the vegan bit on the end is like a kind of apology. Like when someone says “Hi this is Bob, he is a bit of a character!” The ‘character’ part is a warning that Bob is a a twat, and that they were obligated to bring him. A ‘character’ means the guy will get pissed, get obnoxious and stick his dick in your food. Introducing me as ‘vegan’ bothers me, because it puts vegan at the top of the agenda. As if people have to be afraid to mention meat, and feel obligated to talk about veganism. 

First thing anyone says when being introduced to a vegan is “Ohhh… WHY?”
So you have to talk about it. Then get accused of preaching like a Jehovah’s witness. It is even worse if you say “You know what, I don’t want to talk about it.”
Because then people say, “Why?… did something happen?
People assume stuff. Like when someone doesn’t drink any more it is often because they woke up in a alley being fist fucked by a hobo. There has to be a reason to justify it; “You don’t eat meat? what happened?… were you raped by a cow?”

Then they push any other person who is a vegetarian toward me, as if a freaks corner. Can you imagine doing that, with another ‘type’ for instance with Jews? At a party rounding up the Jews? No, because it would be a bit Hitlery. What makes people think, someone who doesn’t eat meat, needs to talk to other people who do not eat meat. I know about not eating meat already. I like titties too – but they don’t round up the women with big tits and make them take their tops off and talk to me! People don’t know what we eat either, so I get to eat the standard vegan option – spring rolls, and I don’t know what the fuck is in those things. Little rolled up pancakes full of crap. I swear they are made when a Chinese restaurant cleans down their counter at the end of the night. So called Spring rolls because it is likely to have a spring from a broken pen in there, along with a monopoly shoe, an elastic band and a thumb nail.

And then you get the people who go “Oh, I’m a vegetarian… well I’m not a strict vegetarian, because I still eat fish.” Well, then you’re not a vegetarian you fuck! And why fish? Why, of all the animals, do they choose to continue to eat the one that smells like it has gone off? How does someone tell when fish has gone off? Because it already smells like fish! Do these people say, “I don’t want to eat animals any more. Except fish… because I do like to eat  food that smells like I found it in a skip.”

Another thing, when people get to know you, and get that it is an ethical thing. A choice made, not through a dislike, or an intolerance, why do people try to get you to eat meat? As if you are pretending. “Go on, just a bite, a little bit of chicken… go on, you want to really!” No, I don’t. You never see people trying to force feed someone with a nut allergy a snickers bar.  My favourite thing people say is, “You know… Hitler was a vegan?” As if that was the reason he did the things he did. What reaction are they wanting, “What?… WHAT? He was? Well I’m eating me some meat, I ain’t gonna to commit me no genocide!” Mostly I reply “I know. It is the very reason why I became vegan, he is such a hero… Your not Jewish are you?” However, Christmas period, it is a wonderful time of year to be, or rather pretend to be a vegan. Because it is the best way to keep people away from your house, eating all your food and drinking your booze. It is as effective as being a paedophile. Christmas in my house is great. Only close friends, those who know you well. And also that you can dig up some earth with cat shit in it, stick it in a cake tin, throw some almonds on it and give it to people you don’t like. “Yahh it is a vegan Christmas cake” then watch them eat it.

I am though, a vegan. Have been for over 20 years. It surprises some people and even some vegans. Also, I couldn’t give a fuck that pisses some people off. I campaign for ethical treatment of animals. Pretty much all the profit from the film and book has gone on rescuing dogs from the illegal dog meat trade in Thailand, Korea and China. My views might cost me friends, but then if what I am passionate about costs me friendships, then they don’t qualify as friends. You have to stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone.

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Comments
  1. Husbang says:

    Should have gone to Cranks instead … I will check for cat poop when we stop by next Yule.

  2. I love that – not here’s Jonny, he one of those writers. Or, here’s Jonny, he’s a bit anti-capitalist…no,no, being vegan is a whole new category of weird.

  3. Josh Moyes says:

    Dude, this was the first thing I read this morning and it made my day.

  4. plou says:

    brilliant…..

  5. Right on, man. That got a chuckle out of me, and I can identify even having only been vegan for 2 weeks now. Was a vegetarian before that and some of the same applied. Keep the faith!

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