Fifty shades of grey

Posted: July 11, 2012 in Publishing
Tags: , ,

The literary world are a funny lot. By that I mean the envy crippled, back stabbing literati. My fucking God there is a lot of hate for ‘Fifty shades of grey’, doesn’t take long for the knives to come out. Reminds me of how much shit was said about J. K. Rowling, “Oh, she can’t write for shit.” Because she sold in such high volume numbers. You would think the literary world would take hope in such a successes. I don’t get the literary world. They shit on and on about how the book is dead, moany-moany-moan, oh the hardship. Then fuck over the successes of an author that is doing well, selling in high numbers. Initially by word of mouth. You only have to read the Guardian books online to get the snobish snipes “I could not be bothered to read anything that is the fastest selling adult novel of all time, sex or no sex” – how utterly pretentious, disregard due to popularity, rather than content. Can’t make up your own mind? Or “Hype, like every other ‘must read’. Its the Harry Potter or Da Vinci Code of porn. Expect it to become the most donated book to Oxfam in a couple of years.” What, all 15 million copies sold mother fucker? Utter, bitter shit stains. I see Fifty Shades of Grey as the literary equivalent of syphilis. By that I mean there are many, many irritated twats because of it. And I love that.

So, it’s about fantasy sex. I couldn’t write a book about fantasy sex. I’ve watched so much porn, when I was 19 I used to fantasise about being kidnapped and used as a fuck toy by an army of Brazilian models. I’m 40 now, married with kids… the fantasy I masturbate too now, is having my own flat, being able to leave dirty dishes in the sink and my own remote control. Good on women for loving the book. It’s brilliant they are buying it in such numbers. Lets hope this leads them on to other authors like Violet Blue or the astonishingly brilliant ‘Blue Murder at the Pink Parrot’ by Ruth Ramsden. They say the woman is an emotional creature, to turn one on you have to go to the mind. For men, all you have to do is turn up! I think it is fantastic that since ‘Fifty shades of grey’ there are hundreds of Kindles out there that smell like fifty cans of tuna. It is little wonder Women long for some fantasy. It is just a logical extension of ‘Mills and Boon’ what is wrong with a bit of escapism. I think it is because women can have multiple orgasms (apparently) and us men can’t. The penis is designed to fire once. A bit like a musket. I reserve the right to roll over and fall asleep like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer gun. As a species, us men are not the best at the emotional stuff. Nobody would want to read about my sex. How I usually cry during sex, but that is usually down to the pepper spray. Or how I need two prostitutes. One to violently finger my ass while punching me in the neck as the other fucks me. Her fantasies – erotic. Mine – tragic. I was reading a woman’s magazine about women’s fantasies and sex, how even in one night stands many want to hear the guy say “This is crazy, I’ve never done this before, I need to see you again” a bit like in the film Pretty Woman. And that is where we are different, us men and women. All us guys want to hear is balls slapping against ass! This magazine had ‘things to look for’ as to if the guy would be a good lover or date. You’d never see that in a lads mag. It said, ‘Hand the man the keys, and watch how he places them in the lock – if gentle, he will be sensitive, it he slams it in, he will be selfish.’ So just in case any single guys are reading this, I suggest you get on your knees and lick the lock for a good 20 minutes before sticking the key in, just in case the lady you are with has read the article. US guys have, well, porn. Even magazines like “Barely Legal”? That means when you look at it, you’re “almost” a paedophile.

It’s not about the sex though. It is the success that is getting the hate. That and the fact E.L. James uses one word when one will do, not twenty. The literary world loves shit books like ‘The Life of PI’ That won the Booker… fuck knows how. It was pretentious, dull poop. Yann Martel revealed his inspiration for his novel, “I was sort of looking for a story, not only with a small ‘s’ but sort of with a capital ‘S’ – something that would direct me” The novel became that direction and purpose for his life. Yeah? I’d rather a book by someone who’s inspiration was because she secretly longed to get s good hard fuck by a studly dude by the bins outside work. She writes sex well. Or at least in a way her audience likes. I couldn’t do it. “She was grunting like a troll to the sound like a dog running through mud – but wetter.” It is what is said that has made ‘Fifty shades of grey’ a success, not how it was said. Much like Dan Brown. Another success envy book. If I was E.L. James, I’d have a website with a counter going up for every book sold in big glowing letters. The site would be called ‘Fuck the lot of you literary snobs.‘ I’d book full page ads in the Guardian, “Over 15 million copies sold fuckers – send your hate mail to my new home and tax haven in the Cayman Islands!” How can anyone say it is shit, if it sells in such volume? I’d love to sell my book in that kind of volume. My book is loved, sure, but is selling about as well as a cock flavoured lolly… I see it as Fifty Shades of Literary Hope.

  1. Shaun Holmes says:

    Oak once again a good old belly laugh was enjoyed. Now when are we surfing back stabber?

  2. Oh yes, how we love to hate the successful! I will say I’ve read a fair amount of the book and the sex didn’t do anything for me, I think if people have actually read the damn thing, have an opinion, as we all like different things. But the widespread hate from people who “refuse” to read it is just silly.

    I did enjoy The DaVinci Code though 😉

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