War Whores

Posted: June 6, 2012 in Publishing

I’ve been having lots of fun. Well, actually, we’ve been having lots of fun, my publisher, Cutting Edge Press and myself. I believe in fate. Cutting Edge, is staffed by three particular mentalists, Paul, Josh and one who should really know better, Martin… the owner. Thing is, when I had first finished the Manuscript for Malice in Blunderland, I sent it to as many agents and publishers as I could. It’s what they tell you to do. Though the reaction was positive, I was told by some it was too ‘edgy‘. There was no market for dystopian comedy. It was all to ‘risky’. This came from the publishing houses whom brand themselves as seekers of new, edgy, different, and all that shit.
Cutting Edge Press loved it, laughed and we went into a relationship together that is unprofessional, inappropriate and with sexual undertones. Best of all, these guys love to fuck off the establishment as much as I do. It’s great. Let me explain.

I got approached. Once word got out that the book that was deemed ‘a bit too cunty’, by the guy who is a ‘drunken twat’, was getting made into a film, things changed. This was about the time of London Book Fair, that I almost went too. But got very drunk the night before, ending up in Brighton with some surfy mates. I was supposed to meet some people. Turns out, both these folks were from big publishers. Both whom I had approached and they had previously said no to my book. Now it’s going to be a film, they want it. Knowing I don’t have an agent, they thought they could meet, stick a couple of fingers up my ass, fuck over my publisher and leave with a deal. They wanted to buy the rights, to reprint with a new cover featuring the actor and all the razzle that comes with it. What pisses me off, is they said no, favouring footballer memoir shit and safe celebrity cookery bullshit. That’s okay, but don’t try and be sneaky little twat-weasel and steal an indy publishers success.Go buy some integrity.

I told the Boys at cutting edge press, and Oh did we have some fun. I sat in My publishers office, and we called them on speaker phone. I told them that I couldn’t get out of the contract for ‘Malice in Blunderland’ but can offer them my second book.
‘Okay’ they said.
‘I’ve taken your advice’ I said, ‘I’ve designed and written this book to sell – I have a strategy’ I said.
They got excited ‘Go on, I’m listening’
Well I’ve called it something that sounds like a popular book, so folks might buy it by mistake.’
‘Clever’ they said.
‘Yeah, it’s also like a popular book, but has sex in it, like Fifty Shades of Grey.’
‘Wow, it sounds fantastic.’ They said.
‘Oh, it doesn’t end there, it’s current, political, it has Afghanistan in it.’
‘It does sound amazing, how soon can you send my a synopsis or chapters?’
‘I can send you the cover, it’s better than a synopsis!’
‘Do it, send it right away…. We will keep this between us right?’

So I sent the ‘War whores’ cover. They didn’t call back. We have been laughing so much about this. Fucking shit stains who talk shit about you, then want to suck your cock when they think they can make some cash. Fuck right off!

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Comments
  1. Sam Parker says:

    You are dangerously close to being the funniest person I know!

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