The weather…

Posted: April 25, 2012 in Publishing

There is a hosepipe ban here in the South West of England. I hope the ban is on using a hosepipe to water your lawn or wash your car. Not for it’s use as a weapon.  Because, the Met-Office, the team of people who give us the weather forecasts is in Exeter. Only about 40 minutes from where I live. I am going to drive up there, find their chief of operations, and beat that fucker about the face and neck with a thick piece of rubber hose. I know, the weather is fucking mental right now, but for fucks sake, read the charts. Try, just try and get it right. Don’t just make shit up!

In March, it was hot. I had a meeting in London on the 28th March, with my publishers about the film of my book. The day before was hot. 61 degrees hot in fact. Hotter than Greece. They said it’s an early summer, and it’s here to stay! Woo-hoo! I caught the train up the night before, for my early appointment. Knowing how sticky and humid London gets in the heat, especially when using the underground, I just packed shorts, flip-flops, a t-shit and a sleeveless shirt. I stepped out on that Thursday in London, with my sunglasses on. As I gazed up at the sky, the gray and stormy sky, hail  the size of peas pelted my face, and the torrent of freezing filthy rain water washed over my naked feet. I thought, ‘You mutherfuckers – you did it to me again!’ Thursday, the 28th was -2°C. People were dressed as if in the Arctic, except for me. The guy in shorts with blue lips who couldn’t move his fingers or toes. At one point, a homeless beggar said “Excuse me” but when I turned, and he saw me, he said “Oh… nothing, forget about it.”
They were 28° out, THAT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE! The met office, the people who in 2004, forecast 19mm of rain… and 370mm fell, in just 15 minutes. 14 inches of rain! How the fuck can you be THAT wrong? I joke, but a 10 foot torrent of water destroyed Boscasle. How can you mistake 19mm for 10 feet? If you built a bridge, and that fucker didn’t meet in the middle – you’d be fired! If trains stopped miles short of the platform, they’d be taken over. It’s bullshit!

So, here we are, in April. We have a hosepipe ban because we are officially in a drought. I say this as I watch my wheelie bin floating past my window on a knee deep river of rain water outside. Today we have had non stop rain. With mist, hail, thunder & lightning and gales all at the same time. You don’t even get that kind of weather in the fucking bible. How the fuck can we be in a drought? I hope to fuck they don’t get television in drought ravaged Africa, cos if those poor fuckers happened on our rain soaked drought, they’d die laughing.
The Met office, don’t even try. They just lie. Nobody believes a word they say, so what’s the point? They could say, “Well, today we are expecting unicorns.” Because it’s just as likely to be right. It’s pointless. For the weather forecast on TV, they may as well cut to a little newborn baby. It would gurgle for a bit, then shit itself. Cos it will be just as useful as the mutherfuckers that tell us the weather!

I know we can’t control the weather, but don’t just bullshit. Don’t just say dumb stuff to make it sound better. Because that’s what they do. Have you ever noticed, that when it’s warm, they forecast with Fahrenheit? Ho, it’s 61°! But when it gets cold, we use Celsius to keep the number smaller ,  it’s -1! And what the fuck is ‘Feels like?’ You can’t forecast with something as subjective as ‘feels like’ for fucks sake! If I said to a woman, ‘My cock is 4 inches, but it ‘feels like’ 9!’ – she’d laugh me out of the woman’s refuge. They said, the temperature will be 16°, but with the wind chill, it will ‘feel like 1°’….Well then it’s 1° you motherfucker! Don’t tell me what the temperature would be if the weather was different. That is like saying ‘It will be raining today, but if it wasn’t raining, it would feel dry!’ Or saying, In England it will be cold tomorrow, but if you were in Hawaii it would feel warm.
When I’m beating old fucko at the Met-office about the head with the rubber hose, I will be telling him it ‘feels nice!’

Fuckers. This is the dumbest drought I have ever seen. I’m building an ark!

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