Insightful literary industry news…

Posted: February 25, 2012 in Publishing

Okay, so, as a literary update, I couldn’t ignore the massive news of J.K. Rowling is soon to publish a new book that’s not ‘Young Adult’. I have to confess I thought we were kindred spirits, but it turns out, my subscription to ‘Barely Legal’ is not, in fact a young adult publication. I have now cancelled my subscription, as ‘Barely Legal’ translates as ‘Almost a Paedophile’. What really fucking annoyed me most about the whole J.K. Rowling was an online opinion poll, Should J.K. Rowling have done another Harry Potter. 47% yes 37% no and 16% I don’t care.  I don’t care? Well if you don’t care, don’t vote on the online poll you fucking idiots.It is the ultimate in pointlessness, a ‘I don’t care’ button.

Apparently, it it’s going to be a crime novel. I have to say, I didn’t get the whole Harry Potter thing. I watched a couple of the films and still didn’t get it. He is a wizard but couldn’t fix his eyesight? What a shit wizard. He couldn’t even fix his own glasses, and his ginger mate gets the girl? What a load of shit. Is it just me, or was that Humnihumni or what ever she was called hottest in the first one? I’m kidding! But it did smack of a bit peado-ring. A load of old dudes with a secret location full of kids. “Good boy Harry, swallow or Voldemort will come back.”

I wanted Rowling to combine the two, Harry Potter and edgy crime. I wanted her to write it as if Harry Potter was real, but the janitor of a Private boarding school, He’s fucked up on ketamine and cheap acid. The whole Wizard thing is just a fucked up hallucination.  His wand is actually his cock. He gets arrested for pressing his penis against a bus window, shouting “Smellyarsemess!” on his person are plastic bags containing hair cuttings of all the missing kids. See, you don’t need a baddie who’s nose looks like two hamsters vagina’s. As usual, the knives are out. Some are saying she can’t write, sighting she has poor prose and poor structure. The author who has sold 400 million copies of her work, and amassed a £560m fortune, who can’t write? Shut the fuck up!  Some of these academic, literary fuck-mouths shit on about what is good and what is isn’t. What is right and what is wrong? It’s a book fucker; it isn’t a cure for cancer. It isn’t a space shuttle, it’s a fucking book. The only benchmark and acid test is if it sells or if it’s loved. 400,000000 sold? If I made that much money, I’d pay someone to follow the critic who said I had no structure, and point in his face all day going “Haaa – Haaaa!”

There is a saying ‘Theory informs – proof provides’ think you can do better? Prove it, else shut the fuck up. Honestly, I am at a loss as to some of the utter wank these literary types debate. The latest is how nursery rhymes are too scary for kids? Are you fucking kidding me? They discussed Goldilocks as an example, a rhyme written in 1831, has become scary… now? These are the people who criticise me for making jokes about anal sex – like I invented it!

Nursery rhymes, too scary? Maybe. I considered this while playing the computer game Grand Theft Auto. These people clearly don’t play the computer games kids do today. I say play, I don’t actually play it. I just run around, hitting prostitutes with baseball bats and stealing their money, or dragging taxi drivers out of their cars and running them over with it. But, yeah… nursery rhymes are too scary.
I do think nursery rhymes like Goldilocks could do with updating though. And I’m not quite sure the message Goldilocks is trying to say.
This little blond haired girl is off, walking in the woods. Where are her parents? She gets tired and finds a house, so she walks in,  eats their food and breaks their furniture. And it’s the bears fault? What the fuck kind of message is that trying to say? She just walks in and eats their food, that is called burglary and theft where I come from. Breaks the kids chair – that’s criminal damage. I want the bear to rip her face off. Little bitch of a girl.  And, more to the point, with repossessions and families not being able to afford a mortgage, how the fuck do these bears afford a house? No, it doesn’t make sense, bears don’t work. I bought a sheepdog once, they said it was a working dog. Was it fuck – it just lied next to the fire all day and never even attempted to get a job. So bears working and affording a house is bullshit. So it should be, Goldilocks and the three bears (living in state provided subsidised accommodation). To bring it more up to date, and make it more politically correct, the Mother bear should be a black bear, the father a Polar bear and the baby bear a brown bear, because we have to cover all demographics.  To make it more diverse, they should have a lodger who is a panda. The panda is an illegal immigrant from China running a pirate DVD operation out of the garage, and is gay. He is having an affair with the father. Yeah, the father is a bi-polar bear – BOOM! See what I did there? Bi-polar bear? OOoooooooooohhh

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