How to secure a book deal…

Posted: February 21, 2012 in Publishing

Okay, in this segment, I will explain how to get a book deal the easy and guaranteed way. It’s not hard. Simply do a lot of lunges. Lunges and squats. Get that ass nice and tight, so when your sister marries a price, you can get a million pound deal on your first book. A book on party planning. People have knocked this, Pippa Middleton’s book. Why? I want to know how to plan a party. We are in an economic crisis, every day my kids get a bowl of steam for dinner and we eat our cereal with a fork to save on the milk. Truth me told, I wouldn’t buy this book. It might be very good, but I’m jumping on the bandwagon here and saying it’s elitist. Because you can guarantee it won’t be telling you to go down to Iceland and get bags of sausage rolls and party packs of food. Not cheese and pineapple on sticks. No, it will be about food you would never hear of such as “Stuffed unicorn with semen biscuits”. They always seem to have calamari too. I don’t eat anything animal, but even if I did calamari looks like deep-fried assholes, so that’s a no. There is a kid’s section though. You don’t plan a kid’s party, it’s a siege. All is okay till they eat the bright coloured cakes and sweets, and are on ‘E’ numbers, or kiddie crack as I call it, and then all hell breaks loose. You spend the evening cleaning shit off the walls “Timmy – what the hell are you doing?” “Look – I’ve made my own paint”. My advice is get a gun. There is a thin line between a children’s party and a hostage crisis.

Lets be fair, it’s not her fault her sister married a prince, if life gives you lemons and all that. When life gives me lemons I cut them in half and place them under a very tight t-shirt my dog is wearing, to make him look like he has titties, but only when there is nothing on telly to masturbate to. She’d got a book deal what ever her book was. So, marry a prince or have a sibling that marries a prince and have a tight ass. Simple.

OR – Alternatively, you could go down the Amanda Knox route. I think the book deal on this is a bit bad and in poor taste. She’s a hotty, I want it to go straight to DVD, it’s crying out for porn! A wrongly convicted sex murderer in a woman’s prison – DING DONG! Or at least make it a pop-up book! Aided by journals she kept during her imprisonment, Knox will talk about her harrowing experience at the hands of the Italian police and later prison guards. The book is as yet untitled. I have a suggestion for the title: ‘Sometimes you just have to squat and let it all drip out’. When she went to prison I wished they brought back stocks – where you are bent over and trapped in that wooden thing. Prison isn’t so bad. I learned to read in prison, and that yoga wasn’t the only way to get your ankles next to your ears!
She is a mental one though, did she do it, didn’t she? All I know is, every pic and bit of footage of her during the court case and conviction, she was laughing and smiling. Apparently she did cartwheels and the splits in the police station. Here defence was ‘Oh, well I didn’t do it’… HELLOO – your best friend has just been brutally murdered! In a sex act with her and her boyfriend Ferrero Rocher.
People say ‘There is never a nice way to die’ and these people clearly haven’t heard of what the prosecution called a brutal sex game which went wrong. THAT right there is how I want to go. Fuck being in a care home shitting in a bag. So there is another route: Crazy nasty sex and a bit of murder – BOOM, book deal. Knox, who studied creative writing has already been sighed a ghost writer!

Or… you could go down the Rachel Cusk route and do a memoir on divorce ‘Aftermath’. Some are very cynical towards this book. I happen to think the honesty is great. Relationships change you. Before I was in a relationship, I used to have sexual fantasies about needing to repopulate the planet; all that was left was me and the Brazilian ladies Volleyball team. Now I have sexual fantasies about leaving the washing up in the sink over night or having the use of the remote control for the evening. Cusk’s deal was due to the brutal honesty of it, and how she has still, fantasies about her ex. Me too. Here is myy fantasy about my ex: She is on fire – I’m fucking Angelina Jolie while watching it. Cusk has come in for some criticism for her work, because it’s all angst, woe, dialogue of self-loathing and loneliness. So if you want it to be popular, change the characters to teen vampires.

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