Masturbation, religion & Celebrity Big Brother…

Posted: January 29, 2012 in Publishing

Celebrity Big Brother… where do I start. I didn’t watch it, but nobody is immune from it. Bombarded with pictures and news updates. You can’t escape it. Now they are picking apart why Denise Welsh won, or rather why she shouldn’t have won. Who cares? I can see why she did. I think she got a lot of secret votes. What must the young women of today think? By that I mean the lash extension, hair extension, orange tanned, botoxed wannabe WAGs, dressed like strippers when you drop your kids to school in the morning, ‘Gourdie Shores’ type women think? Denise Welsh won. 54-year-old Denise Welsh won. When she got her tits out, and jiggled them about, well… all I can say is I will never be able to masturbate again. How They might wonder? An olive skinned exotic looking brunette in Georgia Salpa, Blond and big titted page three WAG Nicola McLean, and if that wasn’t enough, twins. Twins from the Playboy Mansion no less. All beaten by Denise.

I have a theory. This is my take on ‘Women are from Venus, men are from mars’  psychology. Denise got a lot of secret votes. From guys. Us guys voted. Because we all have a tale that we never want to tell anyone, about a woman like Denise. Is it just me, but when you’re at a nightclub, there are loads of girls like the Playboy twins. All happy and giggly like a puppy dog. Give me a liver-spotted troll any day. It’s not just because they are high maintenance. Or the fact I have no hope in hell of scoring with one (unless you are a football player, and don’t get me started on these fuckers) that stops me chatting to one. It’s just who the fuck wants to talk to a pretty young person full of hopes and ambitions? They are full of dreams. Their future and their whole life is ahead of them. I hate that. I started out with nothing, 40 years on I still have most of it left. That’s why you see guys in nightclubs, hitting on women like Denise. The ones that are well over ripe. The ones you don’t have to fool her with lies of being an agent or film producer. The sort who you can ‘harpoon’ her straight  in the ass she wouldn’t look around to see who it was. I would choose someone who surrendered all hope years ago, has prison tattoo’s and that will do filthy, nasty shit over silicone tits and a weave every time. The last thing I want to hear, if I could get a page three model back to a hotel room is “Ewwwwwwwwwww, disgusting, you want me to do THAT?” your left standing there in an awkward silence, wearing a wedding dress and goggles… “Yeah, I like shit like that, now bite that onion, you know I can’t do this unless your crying!”

Women I think voted for Denise, because, the difference between them and her could be just a few drinks.

That’s the good thing a bout a blog, you can say what ever you like, you can view your opinion, no matter how fucked up. Unlike dinner parties, which I have found are just as hostile as ‘author meet and greets’ and people force their opinion on you. I went to a dinner last night, and had to explain, about a thousand times why I’m vegan. But the worst was, not one, but two born again religious nutters. If you are religious and out to tell the world, don’t fucking tell me. If you ask me if I’m religious and I say no… it means no. I guess it’s my own fault that the debate escalated. When asked if I was religious, I said “Yes. I celebrate Christmas and wank religiously.” This, as often is the case, didn’t go down well. What followed was a debate, that I did my best to keep going because I was bored as fuck. So I steered the conversation to masturbation. Which is a sin apparently. So, if right, I sin thirty plus times a day. How can it be a sin? It’s the highlight of my day… it’s all downhill after my shower. Why? Why would it be a sin.
If God is real, I suspect he hates me. But if he is real and made us, and doesn’t want us masturbating, then he fucked up on the design. He should have made us like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, with stupid little arms so we couldn’t ‘buff our trophy’. It is the dumbest thing, masturbation being a sin. Maybe if they relaxed this rule, Priests wouldn’t go mouth fucking kids. Towels like a plasterers t-shirt has to be better than kids with mouths like an iced ring doughnut.

Apparently, it’s because it’s wasteful. A sin to waste the sperm. That is the main crux for the masturbation issue. And for contraception too. Wasteful? Millions of sperm produced and only one fertilises the egg. So even when you blow your load during sex, that’s pretty bloody wasteful. Another design fail then. You can tell this God fella build the world in six days! Maybe he should have been a little less ‘slap-dash’ and took his time. If he didn’t want sperm to be wasted maybe he should have made the sperm bigger! So you produce one big one, the size of a trout.


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