Posted: January 5, 2012 in Publishing

Woo hoo, its 2012, the year the world is going to end. It’s the apocalypse. But it’s okay, because I live in Devon and they say we are ten years behind everyone else, so the way I see it, I have a whole decade on you lot… nice knowing you fuckers!

But, it is another year. A clean slate, new pastures and all that. 2011 was a great year, if you like wading through hammered shit. I hate the retrospectives they do at the end of the year. The BBC did a 2011 highlights; ‘The economy suffered and mass unemployment.’ Great, end the year on a downer. Do they think recently laid of workers will go ‘Yipee – thats me!’ The highlight show showed floods, earthquakes, riots, the Arab spring, Gadafi getting shot in the face and dragged from a drain. The BBC needs to consult a dictionary and look up ‘Highlights’. Mind you I did learn something, there is nothing on television that I wont masturbate too. I can imagine, some guy watching the same programme as me, on the widescreen television he robbed in the riots. And the riots were shit too. 2011 was the year of revolt, in London, Manchester and Other major cities looters booted in windows of electrical stores and high value fashion retailers. In plymouth, they looted a Lidl supermarket. How utterly depressing. Even in Plymouth our aspirations are that low that they loot a discount store. Holding aloft 79p bags of frozen chips and wooping like they had won the lottery. We did have a Royal Wedding, and thank fuck this time the princess doesn’t look like they found her at a halloween party. The last few you wouldn’t fuck with a stolen dick!
The only thing that pisses me off more than highlight shows is when they try to re-create something that happened of historical importance. New years day a bunch of  toffs tried to recreate explorer Amundsens epic first walk to the South Pole in 1911, To see if it could be done. Well of course it could be done you fucking idiots, if it couldn’t be done there would be nothing to recreate, would there!
2011 was also the year of the big debate on gun crime. We had experts from America come here to England and Advise us on gun crime. America? Cos that doesn’t have problems with guns. The senator said; the law on guns, the 2nd amendment of the American Constitution says a man has the right to bear arms, and as it is in the constitution it can’t be changed. Can’t be changed? It’s called the second amendment… which means it’s been fucking changed twice!

But 2011 will forever be a good year for me. It was the year I wrote a book, and got published. So people can laugh at dumb shit where ever they are. 2012 will see another, as I have already made a start on book two. Last year saw me stumble into the world of publishing like a drunk fool. Which, for the most part I am. Nobody was more shocked than me that the book got published, and at the time of writing, it is yet to get less than five star reviews. I have been asked by people on creative writing courses, and those who study the craft of writing, How? What did I do? I just thought of some funny shit, and wrote it down. I wish I had some advice but I have no great knowledge to impart. Other than it costs £1,500 to repair a caravan when you smash into one with a stolen golf buggy while drunk.This was how I spent New Years Eve. My theory on writing is a bit like surfing. You start big, do some interesting shit, then end big. From what I have seen some want to write a seminal piece, a body of work that gets them held in high esteem. From what I know, no matter what you do, people will find some way to call you a dick. I just wanted to make some people laugh. And they have, so 2011 will, for the rest of my life be a fantastic puch-line. I just can’t wait for March when the paper version of the book is out.

  1. awasht says:

    Sounds like your year was pretty dope.. I’d like to say that I wish you a good 2012… But I’m not going to.

    Peace 😀

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