Thick as shit…

Posted: December 21, 2011 in Publishing

I’m a nobody. I know that. In fact I’m happy about it. One of the great things about writing a book is that even if it does become a huge success, the author can stay in the wings, unknown, and I like that. But even a twat like me can’t avoid the spotlight, no matter how hard you try. A real nice guy, who I have met through the process of the book asked me along to a discussion panel for a magazine and to offer my experience to the charity drive. Experience as a writer? No. Because the book was funny? No. I was asked because I was once homeless, was a rough sleeper and one of the charities was for the homeless. All I had to do was smile, nod politely and say relevant and funny things, What could go wrong?

Two of the people on the panel were ‘stars’ from reality TV. I am using the term ‘stars’ very liberally here. A third member didn’t win Britians got the X talent factor or what ever the fuck it’s called. For legal reasons, I have been told very strongly that I cannot say who they are. But it’s not hard to work out.  They are thick as fuck. A whole new kind of thickness, a ‘they should be put-down like a very ill dog’ thickness. I know as you read this you will think ‘What a prick – who is he to judge people’, I don’t usually.

At the venue, that was a conference centre there was a small walk from the restaurant where we did the meet and greet, to the conference room. On the way there, the girl looked up at the sky and said “What a lovely day, the sky is pitch blue”.
Pitch… blue? Isn’t it pitch black?  However we said nothing and kept walking. They were tanned the colour of cheese Doritos and had enough perfume for birds to fall out of the trees, dead, as they walked past.
I can’t tell you everything that was said, because my head hurts too much. You know when people are found dead in a room on their own, the death a mystery until it is discovered they had an aneurism. A clot in the brain killed them – that is what I am sure is happening to me. Trying to pick apart the stupidity. How these retards can even feed themselves let alone make loads of money.

At one point, ‘wonder three’ were debating how the North Pole… and the South Pole… were both in Poland. And hence why the country is called Poland. It is also where Santa lives. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? I laughed. I thought they were joking, they just looked at me. They were serious.
During the debate, one of the guys, who I will call cunticus actually said “Well I have a massive overdraught and a huge loan for a car, at least the homeless have only got nothing, they should count themselves lucky I’ve got minus”. Oh my fucking God. I felt like you do when the police use those flash-bang grenades and temporarily shut down your senses, mouth open, I just looked. Amazed. I had to point out, his overdraught is because he bought stuff, the loan turned out to be finance on a new Mercedes coupe, homeless people don’t sleep in £45,000 cars. I had to point out that he has a home, wealthy parents, he colud sell his car etc. Then the girl said, “I don’t give them monayye” Even how they spoke was irritating me by now. Like they had suffered a stroke, adding extra letters to the end of words so it is sort of sang, Coffee became coffaaaye. What ever became whatevahhhh.

I had an epiphany. I realised right there why the flamethrower was invented. Some guy thought to himself, I wish those people over there were on fire, but I don’t have the means to make that happen from over here. If I had a flamethrower, I’d have burned them.

“I don’t give them monaaye cos they will just spend it of drink or drugssss” One of the guys looked at me “Did you spend your money on drink or drugs?”  …I snapped. “Of course I spent it on drink or drugs you fucking idiot, I was living in a fucking skip! What did you think? I was saving up to go to Ikea to buy a classy shelving unit to put all my books on? A subscription to Sky Sports to watch on my plasma TV? I was living in the fucking garbage!” They got upset, I was told I was just ‘Jel’ – I could have murdered them.

What has happened to our TV? Are these people the best we can do? Reality television is a curse and a disease. There are reality shows in America, like Jersey Shore that show the worst in us. And we in England go, ‘Well, we can find people worse than that!” I have a white Boxer called Elmo, he is one of my many rescue animals. He is afraid of our wooden floor. He is the dumbest dog ever. When you put a big rug down for him, he gets so excited he does a little dance, then shits himself. That is more entertaining than watching these idiots. I can’t get the North and South Pole in Poland out of my head, I keep thinking ‘How – how can they think that?’ then blood comes out of my ears.

  1. sophiepinky says:

    Funny yet tragically true, love your book and blogs 🙂

  2. Chris Morton says:

    Enjoying your blog. This was a great entry too. Dunno who the reality celebs were but I know the type. Didn’t know you were homeless once. Have never been homeless myself but had a bash at writing a short story on this subject recently…

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