Penis size vs book size, same thing?…

Posted: October 24, 2011 in Publishing

A question was put to me recently, regarding the size of a novel. A question based around the death of the novella. Is the novella no more? Novella? What the fuck do I know? Before that question was put to me, I’d never heard of the term ‘Novella’. I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard anyone say, “Oh, I’m reading this fantastic novella” or say “Well the film was okay, but the novella was so much better.” Previously, if anyone asked me what a novella was, I’d guess it was an Italian pasta dish with seafood in it. Novella, being the smart persons terminology for a short book. I know I’m a luddite and all that, but what the fuck is wrong with book? More over, why does it matter the size of the thing?
I was in company of some esteemed writtey booky folk, at a local to me university. I knew my opinion was soon to be asked. Monologue was taking place in my head, to not fuck up and say something offensive or abrasive. My book isn’t even out yet and poor old Josh and Paul at Cutting Edge Press are having to apologise for me all over the place. One month without them telling me off would do some rebuilding of confidence. Then I noticed the room, all were looking at me. Students and the writtey people. “Huh?” 

“Your thoughts on the death of the novella? As the author of a novella yourself?”

“Well” I said, It has to be all about cock size doesn’t it?”

What followed was funny. I got a lot of laughs from the students. More laughs came from the students though, as they watched three academic men squirm from annoyance that I wasn’t taking things seriously. My point being, and this is pretty much what I said; who fucking cares the size of a book? Isn’t it more about the content? How it moves you, makes you question. Makes you cry? Makes you laugh? Seems though, there is a growing opinion that the bigger the book, the more credible. Some authors seek validation through size. Gotta be penis envy hasn’t it? I’m okay, I have a tiny penis, it looks like a button mushroom. But I’ve been smart enough to sleep with very drunk women. Come on. Size in books? When will us guys learn, size doesn’t matter. Except for penis size, where clearly it does matter. A lot.
Women may be nice and tell you it doesn’t matter, but trust me it does. Want proof? Go to a sex shop. Every sex shop I go too, and there is a lot, I have never seen a dildo the size of my penis. Never. They say never say never, but I’m saying never. Every dildo is a thick, long tool. The size ranging from cucumber to marrow. Different colours and shapes, some light up, some are glittery. The only thing in common is size. All big. I have never seen a plastic penis my size. Tell a lie, I did once see one my size, and it was a novelty bottle opener. No woman has ever gone into a sex shop and said, “Well, yeah, they are all nice, but do you stock a sub average size one with a remarkably short battery life?”

I made this point at the university. By way of justifying my point. It’s a cock thing. My (all be it drunk theory) is based around the fact that 80% of book buyers are female. Bigger is better. This is why academic, literary guys use such big words. So it’s ‘hard’ as well as ‘big’. The next thing will be the end of ebooks, as they will only print but on pages of card rather than paper, so it can be thick. “Hey babe, you wanna see my book? Wanna read me, mine is BIG, THICK and HARD as HELL”

Won’t work. Women aren’t that shallow. This marketing technique isn’t new. Oh yeah, it’s been used before on chocolate bars. Because women buy more chocolate than men, I’m confident that men came up with the original flake adverts. You know where the woman goes down on a flake. What were they trying to say, “Flake – tastes as good as a cock?” And the size thing. Have you noticed that they all do the ‘King size’ ones now. Normal is ‘fun size’, not serious pleasure like a king size. Faux penis size status, all of them. Don’t believe me? Mars bars have even put the veins on em! Wear a pair of cycling shorts and slide a king size mars bar down the leg and see how may smiles you get in a queue.
Has to be men doesn’t it. Only men, who are obsessed with size would shit on and on about size. Who the fuck cares?
Soon, at book fairs, authors will be pulling around massive wheeled suitcases, supposedly to contain their thick, meaty book. But inside would be a pocket size. Who cares!

  1. Love this and shared it on facebook:)

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